I still haven't come to terms with myself.
When I think about my life, my identity, I still shiver with memories of depression. I now have the ability to be happy, but I'm not precluded from feeling sad. My emotions are, ostensibly, real. Unfettered by that permanent malaise, but not entirely free from despair.
I'm thinking in a way that should help me become comfortable in my own skin. But it's still really difficult, even when I have a prescription to help me with the battle that's too deep to fight alone.
I've been doing research, reading, learning. I want to find the truth. I want to know my place in the world.
I've been operating under the pretense that my proper place doesn't yet exist, which allows me to think of myself as a spiritual vagabond. I don't really have a place, so whatever I've been doing is just as good as whatever else I could be doing. My lifestyle is no better than any other I could have, because the one lifestyle I want is impossible.
But now I'm having doubts about that conclusion. I'm wondering if there really is a better place for me than where I am? Maybe I've been wrong to alienate myself from my identity? Perhaps I'm going about everything in the wrong way? How much time, how much of my soul am I wasting in my perilous pursuit of perfection?
What I can't do is forego a dream because I'm trembling about its grandiosity. I can't be scared about pushing through and failing. Brahms captured that lesson in his Nänie. That's part of it, I can tell. But there is definitely legitimacy in my desire to have something fulfilling in my life now. I no longer feel depressed, but I've been so enthralled with the capacity to feel happy that I've been doing nothing but trying to make myself feel happy. I've been playing Pokémon nonstop, surfing the Internet, spending time with the cats, doing simple housework, doing nice things for the people around me. I must, at some point, return to my current career--being a student. I have to go back to my primary endeavor.
At the very least, I can take solace in the knowledge that an intense gauntlet of schoolwork and academic studies will not be able to inflict depression on me. As long as I have my newfound line of defense, whatever I make my lifestyle will make itself mine. My happiness will adapt to the things I do, and my rosy outlook will paint these difficult challenges as pleasurable activities. I will like doing what I'm doing, even if it's not something that gives me instant gratification. I will then, because these more difficult activities are incredibly rewarding, find fulfillment.
So I know what I have to do: cut out distractions, make a plan, follow the plan. Don't move in circles, don't fret about the inevitable failures. Do recognize that I can take steps to avoid many of those failures, and when I choose short-term happiness over success, it's largely because of fear. And fear is the only thing worth fearing. So: Fear fear. Be brave. Do the data structures homework assignment. Do discrete. Read physio psych. Make an agenda. Write all this stuff into a to-do list. Look at the to-do list regularly.
Signing off. Perhaps to write something more philosophical, about what is required for a paradigm shift.
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