Saturday, November 1, 2014

Talking makes me sad, and this might be why

Today it hit me like a brick, what might possibly be why I'm always so depressed by online discussions (whether they're actually charged or not).

I come from a youth of arguing online about topics that were really emotional for me.  In those arguments, I was often indignant and aggressive.  (It was justified, but that's not really important right now)

Now, my instinct in online ideological debates, my instinct is to be indignant and aggressive.  I temper that aggressive energy to come up with, uh, somewhat coherent sentences.

I had awful depression last year that SSRIs straight up cured.  So I know that I had a shortage of serotonin.  Higher levels of serotonin means you're happier, and it independently means you're less aggressive.  Less serotonin = more aggressive + less happy.

So serotonin limits aggression and causes happiness.  Happiness, like other emotions, is the feeling that you get as a consequence of having a certain chemical state - in this case, high levels of serotonin.  I had always assumed that aggressive behavior, then, would be the consequence of low levels of serotonin.

Well, today I had a depressive vibe wash over me, and I thought about what I was doing directly before I felt that way.



This morning, I got up early and stood around in the cold and rain for hours without an umbrella.  I had to sing with the Glee Club at Homecoming.  Pretty boring, almost no alumni turnout, and just an altogether miserable day for a gig.  On the way-too-long bus ride home, though, I had a great discussion with a couple club members who I play League with. That really brightened my outlook.  By the time I came inside, I was pretty happy and warming up.  Then I got onto Facebook and got involved with two separate threads about anti-Islam prejudice and anti-Arab racism.  I tried to be very civil, but as I went around the house between replies, decompressing from the long day, I started feeling really lousy.

Sure, I have a lot to do, I'm uncomfortably cold and wet, and I have a concert in a few hours that will take most of my time away.  But I didn't get depressed until I finished posting a comment in a faebook debate about something that matters to me.  That got me thinking... aggression and serotonin are known to be related.  What if aggression wasn't just a result of low levels of serotonin levels, but serotonin directly limits aggression?  Maybe inhibiting aggression actually exhausts your serotonin reserves?

If this is true, it has enormous implications.  If this is true, if inhibiting aggression, i.e. controlling your anger, costs serotonin, or reroutes some limited quantity of serotonin from neurons that induce happiness:

  • People with plenty of serotonin, that is, consistently happy people who don't deal with depression, would have an easier time controlling their aggression.
  • People with less serotonin, those who struggle with depression, might more easily become aggressive or confrontational.
  • The act of limiting aggression reduces serotonin levels available for feeling happy.
  • By making aggression less socially acceptable, you encourage people to inhibit aggression.  This increases the amount of depression in society.
  • If you deal with depression, you could avoid inhibiting aggression to stay happy.  That might mean letting it all out without reservation, or recognizing when you might be inclined to be aggressive and then not doing things that trigger it.

Picture yourself in a social environment where there are opposing ideas.  Say there's a person A who believes in A' and person B who believes in B'.  If I said to you, "Person A is inhibiting their own aggression", you can probably imagine some argument, some debate you saw where somebody said certain kinds of things, or maybe they had a characteristic way of talking.  And you can probably imagine the response of B.  You can probably even imagine some ideas A' and B' that they're expressing.  But let's say instead that "Person A is having fun talking about A".  That probably triggers in your imagination an entirely different dialogue.

So what if a person who struggles with depression proactively tries to recognize when they're "inhibiting aggression", and shifts their mentality to some other outlook--one that's mutually exclusive and more likely to make them happy?  And what if they took this approach to not just debates online, but everywhere they go?

Back to the debate about Islam.  Here's the convo with my thoughts as it was happening.  I called somebody out for being apologetic of Bill Maher, and echoed one of their positive sentiments.  


Then somebody else weighed in, and there was some disagreement.




 I took a step back, because I realized I didn't feel like fighting (probably due to the same classical conditioning of which I just became aware).  I made a joke...

 
 

...and tried to find something we agreed on.


Instead of fighting, I was in the mindset of "I should contribute positive things".  I made a reference to something funny, it seemed to go over well.  I laughed.  I thought about why they think they're right, and tried to appreciate the things they appreciate.  Then I thought about the things worth protecting, and the reason allies stand up for Muslim and Arab people, and I tried to find a common ground between that allyship and the person I was talking to.  I was trying to build a shared understanding.

The crazy thing is that I came out of this feeling way better.  The depressive aura was completely gone.  I could breathe.  I didn't feel like I was trying not to be aggressive, like I usually do.  I wasn't tempering, I wasn't trying to play nice.  When I changed the way I went about conversing, a huge weight was relieved.

The question is... was it causative?  Will it work consistently?  Have I stumbled onto another way to combat my depression?

Maybe it's not always possible to notice that you're inhibiting aggression, maybe it's not always possible to avoid that outlook, and maybe it's harder in some scenarios.  And maybe I'm entirely wrong.

I don't know, but I'm going to apply what I'm thinking.  I'll let you know how it goes.

1 comment:

  1. Instead of fighting, I was in the mindset of "I should contribute positive things"...I was trying to build a shared understanding.

    This is quite a mature response. :) I'm glad you shared, it brightened my day.

    ReplyDelete