Framework

I like to wonder sometimes about how I'm growing up, how I'm staying the same as I was as a small child, and where I'm going in life.  I ask lots of big questions to myself a lot of the time.  Some may find this to be a waste of time, energy, thought, etc.  But I think it's really valuable.  Not because it will make me happier, per se, because a lot of the decisions I make as a result of answering those big questions makes me realize that there are, in an abstract sense, things that need to be done and that I am capable of and thus responsible for doing them.  I also like to fit all of the little things into that big framework, because it makes dealing with them easier.

Example:  for a while, I've been bothered about one of my suitemates being a total mooch, never once contributing toilet paper, soap, coffee, or trash bags.  He doesn't clean or take out the trash.  And he turns the heat up to 85-90 degrees after everybody goes to sleep, then opens his window so tons of energy goes down the gutter and everybody in the suite melts, but he gets fresh warm air all night.  When the whole suite went to the dining hall one time, somebody brought up a story about how, during hurricane Sandy, some guy found a woman and her children knocking at his door to find shelter, and because he didn't let them in, the kids died.  This suitemate of mine praised the guy's actions because there is, apparently, always the chance that people with rifles sent the kids to the door so it would be opened and they could come in, guns blazing.  No, I'm not making this up.  Oh, and after the shooting, all he could talk about was the greatness of guns, how he couldn't wait to get an M4 or something of the like - all discussed in the presence of another one of our suitemates who, when he isn't at Rutgers, lives in Newtown.

So basically he does majorly uncool things a lot, and has no reservations about taking advantage of other people.  Here's where it helps to take a step back.  It's plain fact that I can't make him into a compassionate human being, which would be the only way to ameliorate our grievances.  Nobody will ever do that.  Is it worth arguing and stressing out over things that are to be expected?  Will that make any of us into better people, perhaps by training us to deal with people who are unwaveringly obstinate?  Will it accomplish any of my goals?

The frustrations and wasted time are not worth it.  I should spend my energy and time elsewhere.

On the flip side, asking big questions also helps me to focus a little bit harder on certain things that I have to do.  I can use it to motivate myself when I'm doing lots of readings that are relatively dense, doing work that isn't in any big way glamorous, or trudging through a long day after a meager amount of sleep.  What pushes me forward?  Well, the fact that nobody else is going to do what I'm planning.  Although I have a thousand reasons to genetically engineer talking animals, and even if I haven't yet met a person who's told me it's a bad idea, nobody's going to do it.  I can't rely on anybody, and I can pretty much expect that if I don't do it, nobody will.  So every time I run into a roadblock, I can tell myself that there's only one thing that I have to do.  Only one thing matters.  If something gets me closer to that goal, it's good.  If something gets me further away from it, it's bad.  Everything's so much easier that way!

One rule.  I've spent enough time coming to the conclusion that it's ethically desirable.  That's basically my ultimate desire.  I try to live ethically, but when it comes to decisions that don't bear much moral weight, then I have a way to determine what I should do.  And at this point in my life, there isn't really any heavy stuff going on that requires me to think about anything more subtle than the categorical imperative.

So, if there isn't any ethical impetus for me to write a blog, why am I typing right now?  It keeps me sane.  Expressing my thoughts gets things out of my system and allows me to eliminate cognitive dissonance that accumulates when internalizing all of the little woes.  Being bogged down by confusion or hopelessness is not the way to go about things.  And thus, I've been working at writing creatively, writing intellectually, and writing emotionally.  The thoughtful stuff goes here, the emotional stuff goes in a notebook, and the creative stuff goes where nobody I know will read it.

I realized all of this only recently.  I'm hoping it sticks, and that I can use these tricks to be super dedicated to what I'm doing and keep my wits about me.  Fingers are crossed.  I have a bad habit thinking these things up then leaving them by the wayside.  I guess that's part of maturation.  Figuring out which ways of thinking stick, which means of coping pay off the best, and what really matters.

So I hope this is me getting older and wiser.  I'm working myself into the ground, and I need to be able to deal with it in a rational and controlled fashion.  I wait patiently for the day that I can be in the position of the sage, who knows how he needs to live to be happy, and who understands the world; for now, I have to keep myself healthy and march onward.