Being Your Opposite

People are either exactly who they appear to be, or the exact opposite.

As we become adults, we find ourselves; we begin to search for happiness and fulfillment, and we learn what makes ourselves tick.  We might not notice that we're figuring ourselves out, and a lot of the changes that follow are subconscious.  In response to hardships, we develop defense mechanisms that cover up our weaknesses.  If we are scared, we hide it with one of fear's polar opposites--perhaps overconfidence or flippancy.  If we are ashamed, we paint over our shame with a coat of hubris.


That's one of the heuristics I use to better understand the people around me.  It's very useful.  When people seem to be walking contradictions, the notion that people have developed these layers of protection helps put things in perspective.

But looking through this lens for so long has made it strangely harder for me to introspect.  When I try to figure out who I am today, I'm more lost than ever.  I can't decide whether I am who I seem to be, or its opposite.  Am I what I was when I was a child, or have I become the defense mechanisms I found over the years?  Am I the peace-lover who was ridiculed in middle school, or the violent renegade who no longer cares about suffering?  Am I the disciplined student who earned a scholarship to Rutgers then broke down because of academic stress, or am I the lazy gamer who forewent working on my thesis for an entire break to play nonstop League of Legends?  Am I the romantic who always resented being lonely, or has my newfound comfort with being single brought me real happiness?

To some extent, I am it all.  I am exactly who I appear to be and the exact opposite.

I had to account for my weaknesses somehow, I had to change in however many ways to stop my vulnerabilities from being exploited.  Maybe it's all about context.  Maybe what I really am is a person who adapts to their surroundings.  Or maybe the ways I coped have just become options for me.  Would it be cool if, after we were forced by circumstance to become what we are not, we can now choose between this and that?  between our innate selves and our mirror images?  and the mirror images of our mirror images?