Increasing Emotions

I need to do things.

For a long time, now, I've been just doing school, rarely doing any work that required me to make new ideas or concepts or images, or really anything that wasn't recompilation of material that I'd learned.  And I believe adamantly that learning is worth the effort.  But at the same time, I believe that a large part of what was missing from my life was the act of creation.

I've been writing occasionally, making mixes, and singing in the Rutgers University Glee Club (of which I was recently elected president!!!).  That's all great stuff, and I think it's been filling part of a very large void in me.  However, there is something missing in these activities, which could be fairly relabeled as expressing the thoughts that are already on my mind, rearranging other people's works, and stylistically conveying the feelings of composers.

None of these activities actually involve me inventing things that had not before existed.  And to this end, I have come to the conclusion that I need to get engaged in art and creative writing.  Fiction.

Another thing that I've been missing is exercise.  I'm going to be running with one of my best friends in the hopes that I can get those endorphins rushing around, giving me that boost of natural antidepressants I need to get through the rest of my, well, time on this planet.

In addition, I'm going to stop religiously trying to finish all of my academic readings, because that particular structure wasn't working for my mental and emotional health.  Many of them are completely useless at this point in time, and if I have the books in my library, I can and will go back to them when I need to.

I'm going to start skipping classes that I don't find valuable as either a means to getting an A or as a way to learn really awesome things.  This will give me more time to do the things that I need to to get to a better place.

I'm going to spend more time with the people I care about.

This is all based on the conclusion that I am not stoic or strong enough to support myself in the lifestyle that I'd been entertaining for months.  My lack of happiness and, recently, serious depression, tangibly interfere with me doing the things I need to.

I believe emotions are valuable to animals, but not to people.  The distinction between animals and people is not a dichotomy, but a duality I use to put things in perspective, and which I'll have to explain later and in more detail.  I long ago decided that I would be a martyr for the [currently nonexistent] animal language movement, which means my feelings are not as important as the things I want to do.  Unfortunately, I, the person, live in me, the animal, and satisfactory emotional health is absolutely imperative to being proficient at accomplishing the tasks befitting a person.

I tried out the whole cloister thing this year, but I don't think I'm in an environment where that can work.  I may try it again in a place where I can naturally feel at peace, where I have fewer reasons to be discontent, but at this point in time, in this place, around this combination of people, I have to actively seek out things that make me happy to maintain my well-being.  I'm not saying I don't like it here, but there are certain, specific things that I need in a living situation but cannot find here.  In my current circumstance, zen is not the status quo, so I have to do things that bring me up to the level of simple functionality and inner peace.  Hopefully the things I've identified so far will be enough to keep me going until the time I have more reasons to feel content.